How the Coronavirus Exposes Who We Are

As public health systems tread water, markets reinvent the meaning of ‘cliff’, and two dozen new nations come to terms with the impossibility of containment, it’s worth hitting pause to consider some of the most basic human patterns taking shape. At this point, we’ve all had what feels like hundreds of riveting conversations spanning “why masks are ineffective” to “why certain symptoms aren’t all they’re cracked up to be”. With the world being at least a touch more Hobbesian than in the weeks and months prior, an almost unconscious societal re-grouping took place beneath our feet.

This kind of global music chairs doesn’t happen often, but when it does, it can be quite powerful to reflect on what makes certain individuals think and act the way they do. In a crisis, even one that lack the immediacy of warfare or natural disaster, people often default to distinct sets of behaviors. Ask yourself if one of the following descriptions hits a little too close to home.

I. The panicker

Before you can finish saying ‘coronavirus’, Purell emerges from a carefully contained double-wrapped Ziploc apparatus as your recently-surfaced friend segues to a modern take on the full potential of elbows. Fluorescent lighting reveals a persistent bead of sweat on the furrow of a fully-flexed brow. Quick glances at the hands of passersby, a pocket-muted buzz from CNN, a run-on sentence for the ages.

If this is one’s own reaction, it is especially difficult to see. Hopelessly concerned, feeling no one is listening, they ironically look around to find like-minded folks — who of course are not around. After an abrupt “I think I should go”, you/they rush off to get back to doing exactly nothing.

Important caveat: if you’re in Wuhan, China — this isn’t panic. And deep worry might ultimately be the right reaction for much of the world to come. But panic often leads to an equally exponential spread of misinformation, and that misinformation escalates initial levels of panic to unreasonable levels. Already, there’s a fully-dedicated Wikipedia page for tracking what the World Health Organization labeled a “massive infodemic”. The MIT Technology Review doubled down on the claim that the virus had become “the first true social-media ‘infodemic,’” as “social media has zipped information and misinformation around the world at unprecedented speeds, fueling panic, racism … and hope.” If you’re easily worried, take a moment before you share the latest COVID-19 map, or a disturbing headline. Though you may not spread the physical illness from the safety of a make-your-own-quarantine apartment, you might spread misinformation that leads others to make unsafe decisions.

There’s also this:

II. The Investor

“Buy oil.”

Bored by the plight of the common folk dealing with things like “death” or “defaulting on mortgages”, our modern-day capitalist strides into the post-Gettsyburg market to buy up the hallowed land with pride. Smirk-laden discussions might take the form of:

“Hey, do you think the market’s bottomed yet?”

“No, wait until the travel bans kick in and global entertainment stops.”

“Yeah, true — patience is a virtue.”

Cool.

III. The Uninformed Hand-Waver

If it can’t be controlled, it doesn’t matter — drop the Kafka. For those of us regularly encountering people who don’t quite have the facts down, and fall within the Venn diagram of not really washing their hands yet simultaneously wearing a honeycombed face mask, it’s a steep climb. Millions among us simply can’t squeeze in concern for a pandemic between their nine-to-five and the latest season of The Bachelor. Since prioritizing their individual happiness and day-to-day feelings is their top priority, speed up the process of reciprocating your own feelings with the template provided:

03 March 2020
Anywhere, Anywhere

Knowledge-agnostic colleague #184903,

Thank you so much for your application! While we were impressed with your background and expertise, we unfortunately received a record number of applications this year. As a result, we regret to inform you that we will not be moving forward with your candidacy for society.

We wish you the best of luck as you undoubtedly have the qualifications to be a strong contributor to a number of other societies, and hope you would consider reapplying in the future.

IV. The Parasite

If it isn’t already apparent, that small subset of humanity at the intersection of opportunistic evil and ingenuity has also made its mark. I first noticed this when I signed on to buy a little hand sanitizer of my own — the typical price range of $10-$20 had widened slightly to $10-$399 on Amazon. As the WSJ noted, Purell became a mini-cottage industry, with self-explanatory demand chasing diminishing supply.

Physical protection isn’t all that’s been compromised, however:

As cyber-security expert Zak Doffman lays out in a highly-informative Forbes piece, hackers have manned their stations, embedding AZORult malware into false COVID-19 maps. Effectively limitless in its capacity to extract user information, it’s critical that we think before we click and end up with malware that incidentally has the phonetics of a medical illness.

For the time being, the only solace to be had in thinking about this collection of digital leeches is that these poor excuses for humans are finally getting things off their chest. Hoping for real peace of mind? At least the FBI is on it.

V. The Concerned Citizen

A well-reasoned voice in the room, taking in all the facts to inform purely rational decisions. Weighing the panicked and the apathetic equally to arrive at a perfect expected-value way forward.

Total non-health-expert sightings: 0

In all seriousness, where are you? We need more of you.

If one of these semi-straw-men is too accurate, consider taking it down a notch. If you’re like me, perhaps you’re a combination of these, or you’ve rotated among them as the 24-hour news cycle continues to barrage us with what finally seems like news. And maybe you’ve discovered your reaction was unexpected, or perhaps didn’t take the shape you might have hoped. As we think about our family, friends and the billions living in poverty, remember that character has a way of sneaking up on you. In the meantime, hope this led to some thought and a few much-needed laughs.